SPLOOF
I made my first sploof at the beginning of my freshman year of college, because I never really needed one when I was in high school. I hadn’t even heard of them before I left home! Living in the dorms required one, though, so I picked up the craft. I actually learned how to make one from my roommate’s friend’s boyfriend and this one Justin-Bieber-knockoff pal of his who dressed like a pretend Crip. Anyways, my roommate’s friend’s boyfriend ended up getting caught up over some bad checks about two weeks later. Last I heard, he fucked off to live with an uncle in Peru? IDEK. Pretty sure he ghosted my roommate’s friend. I don’t even remember their names. That's life, I guess.
"Hold on, I'm 12 years old and what is this?
A sploof is an improvised device used to trap smoke when you are smoking indoors and don’t want to get caught or set off a smoke detector. You point the tube at your bathroom air vent, out an open window, or at the back of an electric fan aimed out said open window.
Sploofs are for cigarettes and other legal substances only. SWIM might use them for other substances, but I have never and would never do such a thing, because I'm a good girl (and not in a weird way). Also, I haven't made a sploof in literally over a decade. This is an ethnography.
WHAT YOU NEED
- 1 toilet paper tube (or a paper towel tube, for a super sploof)
- drier sheets (the stinkiest, most artificially-scented ones you can find)
- toilet paper
- a rubber band
- the stinkiest air freshener spray you can find
__________________
HOW-TO
- Put a drier sheet between two squares of toilet paper and secure it over one end of the toilet paper tube with the rubber band.
- Pack the tube with as many drier sheets and toilet paper squares as you can fit. Between each layer, you can shoot some air freshener for extra chemicaliness. You now have a sploof.
- To use, point the covered end of the sploof out an exhaust vent or open window, then exhale smoke directly into the open end. You want to aim it as far as humanly possible from your smoke detector, front door, or HVAC vents. You'll probably need to spray air freshener in the room afterwards, too.
TIPS AND TRICKS
- Dollar stores and Mexican corner stores always have the cheapest, most artificially-scented cleaning supplies on the market. Hit them up.
- In less cool states, your sploof may fall afoul of laws prohibiting the possession of "drug paraphernalia." Woah! Lame, right? Be careful.
- “Cathy, I got caught smoking cigarettes indoors by my RA/landlord/psych tech/parole officer/youth pastor/dad/mom/tenderqueer roommate/dominatrix/grandma/dog!” Uh-oh! You should probably smoke outside, anyways.